Negative thoughts.......

As I shift my focus from my proposed area of research to beginning my ACTUAL inquiry. To know  I am now on the home straight is indeed an exciting prospect but on the flip side I am also extremely fearful of completion. A feeling am sure many of you can relate to.

Throughout this entire process I have continually questioned my own ability, asking many questions such as; Am I doing this right? What does this mean? Am I actually going to pass? Repeating the same negative commentary internally, I cant do this, I don' t know what am doing, am going to fail, CAN SOMEONE HELP!!!

It's this negative thought process that lead me to my final inquiry. I wondered why I was always so hard on myself especially when it comes to something I am passionate about. The more I want to succeed the inner hard critique reappears, only listening to all the negative talk and thoughts of self destruct. This is a  pattern I have grown so used to, impacting both my behavior and emotions, and I wanted to understand 'where' I learnt this pattern of thinking.

In Module 1, through engaging with my past experiences to where my learning begin. I was researching into my role as personal tutor and within researching the importance of pastoral care in education, I thought did I ever have a tutorial whilst in training?  I actually couldn't remember a single occasion when any member of staff sat down with my 18 year old self, and ask How are you? I moved 300 miles away from my parents and lived in a Hostel ran by nuns. I mean of course I was not ok!

I quickly recognized this particular stage of my life as a significant area of learning. The lack of personal support that I believe now only fed into my own  insecurities, there wasn't the guidance, care and attention to my well-being that now in reflection is probably what I needed.I am sure you can all relate to, in dance training and teaching there is a large emphasis upon, getting it right? which in my negative thought process I translate to, ;I am doing it all wrong' 

Its through this acknowledgement that has been the bases of my research, and I am now placing myself at the center of my research, using my personal narrative as my qualitative method to gain a sociological understanding. The reasoning behind this blog is in the hope for you all to comment upon your experiences, feeling towards this subject area, if you wish to comment privately then please do so.

The main aim is to investigate if dance training does impact the perception we have on ourselves. Where does this stem from? A significant event or a chain of events? Yours maybe a positive experience, I mean don't get me wrong I had plenty too.

Thank all.

Finding the correct ingredients

As I am starting Module 2, I find having a vague concept is causing me to lack clarity to my research.

It's the angle am I seeking research to enable my learners or is it the research to enable my growth as a teacher or is it both? The module is about discovery ,allowing your research to enable a direction and this for me is the confusing part. As we all have noted before from our performance backgrounds and training, we are learners that respond to the autocratic approach you say we do.....now being a student again the "freedom" causes me to crave the instructions.

Back to module 2 - exploring pathways outside of traditional dance.

My current ideas surrounding this are slightly all over the place, and am needing clarity on my main objective/focus.

I am wanting to explore community and outreach projects. The promotion of educating dance students of other areas of work away from the westend and teaching. Broadening this misconception of you haven't made it if you haven't done...........

Highlighting funding, education, community, business, projects.

Incorporating the importance of community work the positive effects and impacts and then looking at both the professional and personal growth of my learners as I take them though a module where they devise their own company and performance.

Looking at the works of Boal, Benjamin Matthais and  maslows humanist psychology.

I wondered if anyone reading this has worked in the community on any particular projects that would like to offer some insight to their experience, to discuss and share some knowledge would be fantastic .
In the meantime back more researching in hope to gain to a clearer understanding of my own objective for this module.

Reflecting on the reflection to reflect.... equals confusion

So when I initially started my MAPP journey and looking at Module 1s assignments,  I was so lost and confused; how on earth am I meant to start finding how I learnt do to certain aspects of my career. 

The Start:

I reviewed my career via my c.v, identified learning that had taken place, seemed simple enough right? 

Nope!

I had 20 areas, all to which did cross over and were way too broad.

OK now to simplify, I still felt confused and thankfully I spoke to Adesola, who helped me identify 4 key areas to create my titles. 

I had previously been research, reading and making lots of notes, now to structure my essays to evidence my learning.

The Doing:

Putting pen to paper so to speak, left me needing, craving some guidance, how do i structure this essay?

After my 2nd Skype meeting, we spoke a lot about trusting in our own capabilities and not to wait for direction. Establishing there is no right and wrong. 

OK so now to trust and begin......

The Submitting:

I had started structuring my  4 AOLs and although I still had the sense of 'Am I doing this right' I knew I had to trust in my writing and remember this is a draft all I can do is what I feel is OK and carry on and that I did.

As I was coming to the end of completion, significantly close to the deadline. I really wished I had someone on my course to speak to, 

Am I the only one who is still unsure? Constantly questioning myself and being super critical of my own work?!

 I decided to put a cry for help on the Skype chat and the amazing Raymond appeared and answered my call.

Since then we regular chat about how we are feeling and how we are doing, and he has been so supportive and it has been so comforting to know someone else feels the same!!

We actually reflect together a lot about our progress, providing support and sharing ideas and dare i say reflection! 

Honestly if anyone is feeling lost, unsure or worried, note we all do and you know what its OK to do so. 

Lets share our experience and grow together just as Ray and I have....Thanks Raymond!

Ok, so here I am typing out my first Blog, consumed with questions/doubts/fears....'What do I write?', 'Where on earth do I begin',

After reading though a few Blogs by my fellow MAPPers, ( which were all very insightful ) and having two Skype calls, I should now surely be feeling more confident about my studies towards my MA. Do I? Nope.

Am sat here over analyzing every sentence I write. When in fact it's these precise feeling that got me intrigued, How now the roles have reversed as I now become the learner. To which has left me with feelings of self doubt, vulnerability, unequipped and lost.

Every year as I welcome a new cohort of learners I go through the introductory procedures of enrolling correctly/systemically, timetabling, uniform, course content and so on.....However on reflection do I stop,breathe and acknowledge how each individual is feeling. The room is full of the unknown, not necessarily in a negative sense but how often do we stop and recognize and address the insecurities/vulnerability present.

It's the relationship between teacher-student that have sparked an interest for me. Do we act as guides or do we motivate to enforce self guiding? For many reading this post, you will be able to identify to the Autocratic approach of dance training, Teacher say and we do. This was also identified and discussed in the Skype meeting on Sunday when Helen and Adesola, who both kindly shared their own personal journeys. The Autocratic approach isn't one I adapt in my own teaching, however as a learner I have found it more difficult to not await 'direction'.

It's this questioning/reflecting, that have lead me into two research areas:  The Lifewide Learning concepts, and effective integration of Health and Well Being.

Already from starting the blog...(at last! ) to finishing ( another at last...) I already feel more confident, I look forward to reading more of your blogs, and sharing ideas. Now I am off to delve into my research and build on my reflective journal with much more clarity. ( I think )